I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
