i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So. Much. Porn.
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