i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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