and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you had me at cake vodka
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
