I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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