How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
