when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
