after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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