I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
