I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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