I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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