Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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