At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
