We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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