quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
