when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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