Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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