My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
