I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
