I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
