Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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