I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
so much tequila, so little girl.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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