Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
