If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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