Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
