I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
