too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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