There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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