Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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