seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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