We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
