My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
