If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
whose ass print is on the piano?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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