I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
