he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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