oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
