dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
