i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
