thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
