Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
