Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
