You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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