you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
