At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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