I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did you just see the Batmobile???
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
