I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
