who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
