Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
