my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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