Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
