I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
