i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
